How to Succeed at Adulthood Without Really Trying

I am [ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh] going to be graduating from college in 3 weeks. 3 weeks from yesterday, actually. I’m a little nervous, because I’ve been living in a dorm for the past 4 years. Which means I have always had community bathrooms (cleaned by the housekeepers), a mini-fridge, and a cafeteria to keep me well fed.

In other words, I have not had the college experience that my siblings, for example, had. They both lived in apartments off-campus for several years during college. They had to buy toilet paper and food, and keep an apartment clean. Except Eric, he probably didn’t clean.

So, I have been a little worried about how my transition from college into adulthood is going to look. But I have been observing all of the adults I know, and have created a formula for becoming a successful adult. It’s practically fail-proof. If you follow these five easy-peasy steps, you are guaranteed to succeed at adulthood…without even trying!

5. Own a cheese-grater

In all of my research, this has been the one constant. All truly adult people own cheese-graters. This is possibly the easiest step in becoming an adult. Go to WalMart, and buy a $2 cheese-grater. You won’t be sorry.

4. Play Dress-Up!

In order to be an adult, you need to look the part. Take your cheese-grater to Macy’s, and buy a nice business suit. They’re magical, and will turn you into an adult.

This is how I feel when I'm wearing my suit.

If you are like me, and feel like you’re stuck in prolonged-adolescence, a nice business suit might be just the thing to tip you into adulthood. Yay!

3. DON’T have fun and DO be stressed all the time

If you want to be a successful adult, you can’t keep taking days off to take your cheese-grater to the park! No, no, no! You have to work all the time, have no fun while you’re working, then leave work and go to sleep. Then repeat the process.

2. ALWAYS say, “When I was your age…”

It will make you sound older. And don’t say things that are true, like “When I was your age, I used to listen to the Backstreet Boys while picking my nose and playing with Barbies. That’s how I learned to multi-task.”

No, you definitely need to exaggerate. Significantly. Commonly say things like this: “When I was your age, I had to get up when it was still dark out to feed the cows, then I walked 12 miles to the factory to make muskets so that we could beat the Confederacy.” It will definitely impress people, and will make you sound like a true, experienced adult.

1. Know that once you’re done with college, life gets easier.

Oh, college. What a tough, tough life! Waking up at 11, having someone prepare your food, having to take finals! THE HORROR. In order to truly prepare for adulthood, you must realize that all of the things you struggled with in college will magically go away once you graduate. It’s like magic!


**Please know that this is all very sarcastic. Especially #3 and #1. Don’t be stressed all the time. Have fun, take it easy. And know, even though college has its own unique challenges, that you will have bigger problems to deal with than finals and papers.

***But you should probably buy a cheese-grater. You never know when you’ll need shredded cheese.

2 thoughts on “How to Succeed at Adulthood Without Really Trying

  1. Some sisterly advice: just buy the cheese that has already been shredded for you. It will save you lots of time and potential harm.

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