Disney really knows how to write a good story. You have a beautiful Indian princess, who falls in love with a handsome blonde ship captain, John Smith. She saves his life and helps him survive in a new world, along with her singing willow-tree grandmother. John Smith gets shot and has to return home, but leaves with hope that he will return again.
Unfortunately, she actually died at the age of 22 of smallpox. And she was married to this guy.
It sure is a shame. But nonetheless, Disney has a way of making even the saddest story seem happy. There are some historical events that are incredibly depressing, involving incredible casualties and pain. I, however, believe that Disney could craft those stories into something beautiful.
Prohibition was a major reform movement in the United States from the 1840s to the 1920s. It became incredibly unpopular during the Great Depression, and was eventually revoked, after decades of bootlegging. I don’t know about you, but I think that this gives us great inspiration for a Disney movie.
The characters are all anteaters. They are happily living their anteater lives, when suddenly, a new king is put on the throne. This new king is an amiable man, but decides to convert to vegetarianism. He bans the consumption of any kind of ant, as he sees it as inhumane.
The anteaters go crazy. Ants are their main source of protein, and they are suddenly not allowed to eat them. They begin a crazy ring of underground ant shops, where they sell all different kinds of ants, which are smuggled in from all over the world. The king finds out about the ant-smuggling ring, and has his Chief of Spies, Arthur, take control of the situation.
Arthur begins his work undercover, and quickly meets Stella. Stella is the daughter of the biggest smuggler in the kingdom, Capone. In order to be a convincing spy, Arthur is forced to eat the ants that Stella and Capone offer him. He falls tragically in love with ants, and along the way, falls in love with Stella.
Arthur begins to sneak ants into the food of the king, who, as a result, grows much healthier and stronger. When he finds out what Arthur had been doing, he thanks him and overturns the law banning ant consumption.
And they all live happily ever after.
4. The French Revolution
I know what you’re thinking. “Molly, how on earth would the French Revolution make a good Disney movie?” And I will admit, I had a tough time coming up with a good plot, as there were not many ‘heroes’ of the French Revolution. I think, with a lot of help from my roommate, I came up with a superb Disney movie.
Everyone is mice. The nobles? Mice. The poor townspeople? Mice. Robespierre? Mouse. There is a whole community of mice, ruled by Louis XVI, the King Mouse. Unfortunately, an evil guinea pig named Madam Guillotine decides that she wants to overthrow Louis XVI and completely change the structure of the society. In order to conquer the rich noble class, Madam Guillotine struck them all with a horrible curse–they would all be incredibly fearful. Of everything. That is why we have the phrase “timid as a mouse.”
The story focuses on one mouse, Jean Claude. Jean Claude is a poor farmer, and is therefore not cursed with fear. He is a very courageous mouse, who is in love with a young female mouse, Genevieve. Genevieve’s father is a poor nobleman who was not originally cursed by Madam Guillotine. However, Madam Guillotine’s assistant, Robespierre, falls madly in love with Genevieve. He has her father killed and has Madam Guillotine curse Genevieve with fear, so that she would never leave him.
Jean Claude is horrified when he sees what happened to his one true love. He cannot stand to see the timid little mouse that used to be his passionate, fiery mouse-girlfriend. He desperately kisses her, and the spell DISAPPEARS. It turns out that the spell can be broken by true love’s kiss (of course).
Jean Claude and Genevieve run away together, and move to Austria. They both lived happily ever after.
*Unfortunately, Madam Guillotine and her friend Robespierre claimed the courage of 40,000 innocent little mice. They did not live happily ever after, but the movie probably won’t show that part.
3. The Trail of Tears
I know, it’s horrible. How could the Trail of Tears, which killed 4,000 Cherokee Indians, be a good movie?
This is how:
This movie would be a lot like Pocahontas. There is, as always, a beautiful Indian princess. Her name is Runs With Scissors. She and her family are forcibly removed from their home in Alabama.
On their way to their final destination (New Mexico?), Runs With Scissors meets a handsome man. He has a very long, distinguished face. He will look somewhat like this (only much more handsome, and probably blonde):
Yes, you’re right. His name is Andrew Jackson. He and Runs With Scissors meet during a buffalo hunt. Andrew was just playing around, and he didn’t know the proper buffalo hunting procedure. He is chasing a buffalo when he falls from his horse. He is saved by Runs With Scissors.
Andrew is very grateful, and starts spending a lot of time with Runs With Scissors. They fall madly in love, but cannot be together because of obvious reasons–such as Andrew trying to take over the land of the Indians, killing many people in the process.
Thankfully, Runs With Scissors convinces Andrew that his behavior is wrong. He sees the suffering of the Indians, and decides to cancel the Trail of Tears. He and Runs With Scissors move into his big, white house in Washington, D.C., and both live happily ever after.
2. The Alamo
I know, you’re starting to get mad. The Trail of Tears was bad, but the Alamo? Everyone was slaughtered. It was an atrocity. But let me tell you, with some big alterations to what actually happened, a great movie can be made.
It’s the Armadillos vs. the Chihuahuas. They are foes, and have been for as long as history has existed. Their hatred is as deep as the valley of Mexico City. Which is deep.
One day, the Chihuahuas decide that they want the land that is occupied by the Armadillos. Don Pedro is the leader of the Chihuahuas, and tells them to use whatever force necessary to invade the Armadillo land. Don Juan leads an attack on the Armadillos, who are residing at the Alamo Hotel with their families.
Davy Mockett is the captain of the Armadillo army. His right-hand man is Daniel Toone (he likes to sing). Daniel is in love with Barbara Sue, the prettiest armadillo in the Alamo, and sings her lots of love songs.
One hot morning, the Armadillos see the quickly approaching Chihuahua army. Davy Mockett decides to send all of the women and children back into the poolhouse of the Alamo Hotel. They all leave the Alamo, and hunker down for awhile. A few of the children even put on their swimsuits and go for a dip in the pool. All except for Barbara Sue, who has bigger plans.
Meanwhile, back at the Alamo Hotel, there is a big battle taking place. The Armadillos fight heroically, but are obviously losing. Daniel Toone is in charge of taking down Don Pedro, but he simply cannot win. Don Pedro is the buff-est of all chihuahuas, and is a vicious fighter. Barbara Sue, disguised as a male armadillo-soldier, sees Daniel fighting the horrifying chihuahua. She grabs the closest weapon she can find, a skillet, and bashes him over the head.
When the Chihuahuas see that their leader is dead, they run away in fear of the mysterious, skillet-wielding menace of an armadillo. Unfortunately, Daniel and Barbara Sue are the only armadillo-survivors. They live happily ever after (of course) and escape into the Texas wild. They start a rodeo, and make a lot of money.
1. The Boston Tea Party
Okay, really. This would make an incredible Disney movie. They could easily do it, and they wouldn’t have to make up too much information, because it was a completely awesome event.
Here’s how I see it:
There are real-life people. No mice, armadillos, or chihuahuas. The Sons of Liberty are a group of incredibly sexy, manly men. Their leader is Johnny Tremain, who is young and studly. He is a good swimmer, because he has webbed fingers.
The Sons of Liberty are not simply a group of good-looking young men who like to spend time together. Oh, no, they are also political protesters, fighting for the independence of the people. The Sons of Liberty want to protest the fact that the British are bringing all of this nasty tea into the United States. Everyone knows that tea is gross, and that real men drink coffee (or beer, if you’re Samuel Adams).
The Americans really like coffee, and are angry with the British for wanting them to drink tea. One cold night, the Sons of Liberty dress up as women. They put on fancy tea-party hats and dresses, and sneak onto a boat full of tea. And they steal all of the tea. Vicious. The Sons of Liberty replace all of the tea with coffee, and feed the abundance of tea to their horses and children.
The next day, the British board their ship and notice the switch. At first they are angry, but then they brew some coffee and really like the strong, rich flavor. They ask each other, “Why do I always drink tea? This coffee stuff really puts the hair on my chest!” They invite the Sons of Liberty (who have changed out of their dresses and hats) onto the ship and they all drink their delicious coffee together. Oh, and they all live happily ever after.
Sigh. There’s nothing better than a happy ending, don’t you think? No, history did not actually happen the way I depicted it, but that’s never stopped Disney before!
I am sorry that I could not complete my list, but I ran out of imagination. I may be able to finish it next week [because I never got to share my awesome Hindenburg story], unless I come up with a better idea.
*Many thanks to Ali Matthews, who [made up] helped make up many of the previous stories. Your imagination is GREAT, Ali!