Top Ten Tuesday: Coolest Ugly Dead Men

Before I begin, I want you to know that I am not this kind of person. Sure, I have no qualms about appreciating God’s creation (see last week’s Top Ten Tuesday). However, there are some historical men out there who did incredible things, but simply were not the most attractive people in the world. And I think that there are more important things than being “ridiculously good looking.”  After all, charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting. But a man who saves the world…is awesome. So let’s take some time to appreciate them, too.

10. Albert Einstein 

Not only is good old Albert the Father of Modern Physics, he was also quite the ladies man. He was married twice, and his second wife was his first cousin maternally and his second cousin paternally. I’m not 100% positive how that works, but it’s definitely creepy. He’s very kooky looking, but it kind of works for him, don’t you think?

9. King Henry VIII

Henry beats Einstein when it comes to loving the ladies–he was married SIX times. He divorced most of his wives, but beheaded a few. You win some, you lose some, you know? As he grew older, he became morbidly obese, as you can see from the stunning picture.

8. Winston Churchill

Winnie was the Prime Minister of Britain during World War II. He was also, interestingly enough, the first person to be made an Honorary Citizen of the United States. He had a lisp as a child, and eventually got a pair of special dentures to help him talk. Doesn’t he look like someone that you’d want to get to know?

7. William Taft

I had to do a project on William Taft when I was a freshman in High School, and the only thing I remember about him is that he got stuck in the bathtub of the White House. His friends called him “Big Bill,” but I just like to call him AWESOME.

6. Daniel Webster

Danny was a senator from Massachusetts. He died after being kicked in the head by a horse, and his last words were “I still live.” Ironic.  He was also that grouchy old man who chased kids off of his yard with a shotgun. Just kidding, I definitely made that up. [But really…]

5. Hunchback of Notre Dame

Quasimodo is his actual name. He was in love with a gypsy named Esmeralda, and he liked to talk to gargoyles. But he had a good heart.

4. Alpheus Starkey Williams

Alfie was from Detroit, and was a general for the Union in the Civil War. I’m pretty sure that he did something important in the battle of Gettysburg. But I’m not positive, because his facial hair just BLEW MY MIND.

3. John Adams

John was a Founding Father and the 2nd President of the United States. He married his third cousin, and his last words were supposedly, “Thomas Jefferson lives.” Unfortunately, Jefferson had died just hours before–both men died on the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence (the 4th of July). Crazy.

2. Attila the Hun

Attila was the leader of the Hunnic Empire. He is famous for his starring role in Mulan. He had multiple wives, which proved to be deadly. Attila died on his wedding night. The popular story is that he got a severe nosebleed and choked on his own blood, as he was in a drunken stupor. The less popular story states that his newest wife killed him…can you blame her?

1. John C. Calhoun

Johnny served in the House of Representatives, the Senate, and was the Vice President under Andrew Jackson. He was pro-slavery, and was a supporter of state’s rights and secession. This has led to the idea that he is the man responsible for starting the Civil War. John is also thought of as being the man responsible for the Mexican War, because he dragged Texas into statehood. The combined casualties of those 2 wars are over 638,283. Jeez, Johnny.

My favorite thing about John Calhoun is his wife. Her name was Floride, and she was his first cousin. They had 10 children together, and my guess is that they all had beautiful, white teeth.

John Calhoun has been listed as one of the top five senators of all time. If we’re being honest, though, he definitely has the BEST hairstyle that Congress has ever seen.

*Many thanks to my good friend Ali. I originally had a list of 17 men, and she helped me narrow it down to the coolest and ugliest of them all.

Honorable Mentions/Men who didn’t quite make the cut:

Martin van Buren, Michael Jackson, Nietzsche, George IV, James II, Christopher Columbus, Genghis Khan, Johannes Gutenberg

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